The Harry Potter Magical Creatures Dateline
by Loki Mischeif-Maker
Summary: Armed with a copy of "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" I set out to parody some of the more ridiculous Harry Potter pairings.
1. Buckbeak's Test of Patience

_Disclaimer: All characters and many of the creatures are property of JK Rowling, and no copyright infringement is intended by their use._

_Author's notes: This in some ways parodies the number of ridiculous Harry Potter pairings I've seen, although the idea to make sure there's at least one "fantastic beast" in each pairing was born out of sheer boredom. As a parody, this was written no more to make sense than it was to be serious. I will accept flames, being made fun of, and (more mature) forms of constructive criticism, the former two of which I will laugh at. And, without further comment, I present the fanfiction._

_Buckbeak's Test of Patience_

A Chimaera clopped steadily up the mountainside, her heavy form barely dislodging anything under her mountain goat balance. She had the amber eyes and catlike head of a lion, the cloven hooves, body shape, and fur texture of a honey-colored goat, and the brown-scaled tail of an adder. While her forms changed smoothly, she looked distinctly weird plodding up a British mountainside.  
  
A black dog appeared from a cave and started down the mountain. The Chimaera paused, sniffing. She smelled something or someone other than the black dog.  
  
She paused again the moment she started on. Dragged to Britain as a small cub, she had been unsure the entire time what to do with her adulthood, and she wondered if this might be the scent of another Chimaera. After a moments pause, she wandered into the cave.  
  
It was not another Chimaera. It was a huge creature with the head, wings, and talons of a giant iron grey eagle and the body and hind legs of a large, dapple grey horse. Tethered inside, it glared at her imperiously out of large orange eyes.  
  
Intrigued by this creature, she took another sniff. He smelled male.

...  
  
Buckbeak glared impatiently at the Chimaera circling him. He could do little more than glare, after all, being tethered. She was strange and unwanted, this mix of creatures with her smokey breath and amber stare.  
  
Finally, the Chimaera finished circling and walked up, bumping her nose against Buckbeak's steely beak. The hippogriff backed up a few paces. The Chimaera stepped forward again.  
  
Buckbeak ruffled his feathers and squawked disdainfully.

Apparently startled by the squawk, the Chimaera backed up, her adder's tail and lion's head drooping. She let out a low, mournful croon, from which fire emerged from her mouth, lapping at Buckbeak's talons. The hippogriff prudently backed up some more.  
  
The Chimaera lowered the upper half of her body, outright whimpering. Accustomed to the dry heat of her breath, she didn't need to blink. Both of these appealed to Buckbeak's nature.  
  
Perhaps he felt sorry for the young Chimaera, obviously frightened and confused. Perhaps her youth appealed to some hippogriff parental streak. Perhaps he thought if he approached, she would run off. At any rate, Buckbeak approached the Chimaera and nudged her head with his beak.  
  
The Chimaera looked up as if in heaven and licked his beak. Buckbeak backed up again at the feel of her baking hot tongue.  
  
Now, however, the Chimaera could not be deterred. She approached him again, rubbing up against his feathery chest.  
  
Buckbeak let out a squawk-like sigh.

...

Sirius wandered up to the cave, two yellowing newspapers between his canine teeth. For being in hiding, in a bad position, and dealing with his godson's being mysteriously entered in a dangerous contest, he was in a fairly good mood— meaning he was neither brooding nor ready to bite someone's head off.  
  
After glancing around, he slid into the cave and became the thin, dark- haired man he usually was. Both papers no longer fit in his mouth, and so one fell to the floor. Sirius removed the other paper from his mouth, glanced at the front page, and looked up to see the Chimaera rubbing up against a fairly disgruntled looking Buckbeak.  
  
"What in the _hell_?" he asked.  
  
The Chimaera's eyes narrowed as she looked at Sirius, and her adder's tail beat the ground. She pulled her ears back, and in a dramatic finale sent a spire of fire from her jaws.  
  
"I take it you want to be left alone," Sirius commented hurriedly. He returned to the form of a dog and hastily slipped from the cave.

...

The Chimaera was allowed to rub up against Buckbeak and bat at him for nearly an hour after Sirius left them alone. Eventually, however, he got tired of her affections, and wanted this strange creature out and on her way.  
  
He lashed out with a talon, causing a flower of blood to blossom on one lion's cheek.  
  
The Chimaera stumbled back. Her amber eyes shown with hurt— she looked near tears— for a whole half a minute. Then her lion's eyes narrowed as she regarded him with an entirely new emotion and expression.  
  
_Never_ make a Chimaera mad.

...

Sirius came back about thirty minutes after the Chimaera left. He turned back into his usual form, cautiously glancing around. Most of the yellowed Daily Prophets had been incinerated, the ashes of which were strewn across the cave's floor and walls.  
  
In the middle, glaring resolutely at the cave wall, was a soot-stained, slightly singed Buckbeak. With his experience with disgruntled hippogriffs— most of which had been gained with this one over the past few months— Sirius was very glad he was not that wall.  
  
Surprisingly, both the papers Sirius had brought in earlier that day were yellowed, dirt-stained, but still readable. He picked one up and started leafing through it. "She decide she didn't like you?"  
  
Buckbeak shot him a moment's worth of his disgruntled glare.  
  
"I'll take that as a yes, considering the state of things," Sirius answered, glancing announced. "Any idea why?"  
  
Buckbeak added an extremely disgruntled look to the irate one.  
  
Perhaps because he spent a good deal of time as a large black dog and was used to animal thoughts, perhaps because he was, from a hippogriff point of view, smart for a human, or perhaps because he'd had some bad experiences with girls, Sirius got the meaning of that pained look. "I take it no?"  
  
Bucknbeak evaded Sirius's stare and let out a low squawk.  
  
Sirius returned to his paper, a grin spreading across his face. "She didn't have a mane, big guy— she was a girl Chimaera. She never would've made a bit of sense to you."  
  
Buckbeak returned to visually murdering the wall. _Author's note: For a full discription of general Chimaera behavior, check out either "Fantastic Beasts And Where to Find Them" (which I have read cover-to-cover no less than three times, which is how I come up with this stuff), or a decent reference to Greek myths, of which it would be nice if you informed me one exists. If you want to flame me, I won't wonder. If you liked it . . . apparently you have my sense of humor. _


	2. Snape Solves Some Painful Riddles

_Author's Note: A glutton for punishment, are we? Yes, even after that I have another one. I apologize if Snape is slightly out of character. _

_..._

_** Snape Solves Some Painful Riddles  
**_  
...  
  
Severus Snape had been in the greenhouses, getting a few potion ingredients. He was intending to head back to his office, perhaps venting his bad mood on any students who happened to get in his way. He didn't expect his way to be blocked by a large and unexpected creature, which had approached unseen in the gathering dark.  
  
She had the head of a human female, framed by a glossy thick lion's mane. Underneath the head was the body of a lion. She was a sphinx, and an extremely large one at that, staring at him out of large dark eyes.  
  
"Out of my way, creature," Snape snapped.  
  
"No."  
  
Snape's cold black eyes narrowed. "I said out of my way, you stupid creature," he growled. "Before I curse you and make you!"  
  
"No. If you can ask me a riddle to which I do not know answer, I will move. If you curse me, I fear I will be less inclined to oblige you," the sphinx answered.  
  
Snape scowled. She had a point. "Fine," he said at last, figuring this beast could not know much about potions. "What is the difference between aconite and wolfsbane?"  
  
"Different words."  
  
"Wrong!" Snape announced. "They are the same plant, which also goes under— "  
  
"Are they not two different words?" the sphinx wanted to know. Her brown eyes were narrowed over a furrowed brow, and she did not look like a joy to find himself in a fight against.  
  
"Very well, shall we try again?" Snape asked prudently. The sphinx nodded, and they tried again. Snape asked her most of the questions he could think of to torture first-years with, and the sphinx appeared to know a great deal about simple potions, using wordplay on anything she did not have an answer to.  
  
Midnight had passed, and Snape was getting desperate. The sphinx was apparently merely getting bored. Finally, however, the potion's master took a chance. "If I asked you to the Three Broomsticks on Friday night, would you accept?" he asked, hoping the sudden change of subjects would startle indecision from her.  
  
The sphinx was indeed confused. "I . . . don't know. Would you ask me?" she wanted to know, confused and slightly pleased. In the moonlight, her face flushed.  
  
"That's something you don't have an answer for, I see," Snape answered with a nasty grin. "Now let me by!"  
  
"Sure," the sphinx said, moving.  
  
Snape sighed with relief and started to head within Hogwarts. However, he caught the sphinx's cry. "I will say yes! I'll see you Friday!"  
  
...  
  
Snape spent the remainder of the week wondering how the sphinx got more than a theoretical question out of it. He didn't have the slightest idea, and therefore eventually gave up in disgust.  
  
His mind turned then to getting out of it. Simply not showing up, while probably the simplest course of action, was likely to get him savaged by an angry sphinx. He considered transfiguring the sphinx, but he couldn't think of anything small and disgusting enough to turn her into, after all the trouble she's caused him. As for curses, anything short of Avada Kadavra would only get him savaged.  
  
As the prospect of dating a sphinx put him into a truly horrible mood, the subject of potions became unbearable, even to Slytherins. It wasn't that he was any harder on them— as if he missed the chance to take points off the other three houses, anyway— but the way he swooped around muttering in every class was frightening, especially to younger students.  
  
Finally, on Thursday night, Snape came to the conclusion that he would just have to go. He certainly had no intention of asking her out again, and would be ready for the body-binding cure in case she be too disappointed.  
  
...  
  
Snape reluctantly left the castle on Friday evening, dressed how he usually was— he certainly wasn't bothering dressing up for a sphinx. He wished that the creature would simply not show up, despite the fact that, living in a school, someone would have found out and started a rumor that not even a sphinx would date the potions master.  
  
_Why him?_  
  
The sphinx, however, did show up about ten minutes later. She appeared to have carefully groomed herself earlier that day. Her thick mane appeared much glossier in the late afternoon sun than it did in moonlight, and it might not entirely be the light. She smiled when she saw him.  
  
"Let's just get this over with," Snape growled.  
  
...  
  
The appearance of a sphinx caused something of a stir in the three broomsticks. The appearance of Snape a few moments later caused a greater one. Snape had a date? He was glad no student could see him now.  
  
They sat down, and in a few moments someone came over and asked them what they would like.  
  
"I could do with a calming draft," Snape muttered, glaring at the dark brown eyes over the table."But as you don't serve potions, just get me tea."  
  
"The sphinx appeared to be considering her order. "Its part a half-solid put on the breakfast table, part an intoxicating drink."  
  
"_Oh-kay_."  
  
The server left and Snape spent the next five minutes glaring daggers at the sphinx. The sphinx examined the interior of the three broomsticks with great interest.  
  
Finally, someone returned with tea for Snape and jelly and meade for the sphinx. "What is this?" she demanded to know, looking annoyed.  
  
"I'm afraid," Snape said dryly, "that people order literally in order to get what they want."  
  
_Never_ tell a sphinx that now isn't the appropriate time for riddles.  
  
...  
  
On Monday morning, it was on the house notice boards that there would be no potions that day.  
  
"I wonder why," Ron Weasley commented to Harry and Hermione. "Snape's never been sick before, has he?"  
  
I heard somewhere that he had a date with a sphinx on Friday night," Hermione replied. "Sphinxes are very temperamental, and if you answer a riddle wrong, they'll savage you."  
  
Harry and Ron grinned at each other as the three headed down to breakfast.  
  
...  
  
_Author's Note: Loki has decided that Hermione is too smart for this stupid a fanfic, and therefore the three main characters will disappear until such time as she feels motivated to write a chapter pairing Ron with the Loch Ness kelpie disguised as a veela.  
  
A Further Author's Note: For those of you that were wondering, yes, the sphinx was asking for a butterbeer. I'm open for suggestions on what to do next, by the way. Cheers!_


	3. Why ThreeHeaded Dog's Shouldn't Date

**Author's Note:** _I will take the opportunity to thank everyone for the reviews— and Sofa Girl for the suggestion. I'll have to look into the James and the Giant Squid pairing. "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them", by the way, is available at book stores, and as it's for charity I encourage people to buy it. Today, however, I believe we shall examine the further adventures of Fluffy.  
_  
...  
  
**_Why Three-Headed Dogs Don't Date_**  
  
...  
  
In a burst of adventurous feeling, a young thestral wandered to the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Confident that, as usual, she would be ignored, the thestral, having smelled something, stepped out of the forest, staring at the lake and grounds and Hagrid's hut. Being young, she had not been strapped to the Hogwart's carriages yet, and so this was all new to her.  
  
A deep growl emerged from Hagrid's garden. The thestral turned, startled, to see a brown beast crouched among the pumpkins, bristling and salivating from all three of its heavily whiskered jaws.  
  
The thestral ruffled her batlike wings irritably as she regarded this strange thing out of striking eyes. She remained silent, wary, and as she watched him a breeze blew through the trees, playing a tune on the nearby water reeds in the same manor that merfolk would if they came up to watch. . . .  
  
...  
  
Fluffy, with all the imperious manner of being a huge and ferocious beast, didn't like the idea of any creature, let alone one so strange as this one, being around him. He only tolerated Hagrid whistling, after all. He growled and bristled and demanded of it leaving. The thestral didn't understand his meaning however, and simply stared at him as if he were a spectacle.  
  
The wind on the water reeds, however, began to calm him slightly. His anger cooled, and he stared at the thestral, noticing for the first time how odd and quiet she had been. Perhaps putting up with it wouldn't be such a difficult thing, if it was only for a little while. She wasn't being too much trouble, after all.  
  
He sat down on a pumpkin, which squashed beneath him, and stared back at the thestral. Soon, it seemed to be a contest between the two, who could stare at the other longer.  
  
...  
  
The thestral, however, soon tired of this contest. Her curiosity aroused by Fluffy's ferocity, and her courage by his calming down, she stepped closer to the barrel-chested, three-headed, strange animal. Fluffy didn't move, only continued to stare. The thestral, encouraged by this, moved ever closer.  
  
Finally, they were almost touching noses. Both stared at one another, mutually shocked by the thestral's courage. Then she reached out and bonked Fluffy's middle nose with her own.  
  
Fluffy stared in shock a moment, recalling dimly puppyhood. It was the only other time someone had bonked him on one of his noses. The memory was dim, but he responded to it by bonking the thestral on the nose by each of his three. Then his middle head returned to staring into the thestral's striking eyes.  
  
The wind began to die down. Eventually, it stopped altogether.  
  
The calmness that had settled around Fluffy broke up, and he responded to the thestral's nearness with a ferocious snarl. ...  
  
Hagrid had to break the two of them up by grabbing the thestral and dragging her bodily a little ways into the Forbidden Forest, checking her over for serious wounds. Fortunately, there were none.  
  
"Yeh have no idea how lucky yeh are," Hagrid told the thestral, setting her on the ground. "That Fluffy doesn't always know his friends, yeh know?"  
  
The thestral stared strangely at him, as if she both understood and disagreed, then took off into the woods.  
  
...  
  
Hagrid returned to his pumpkin patch, where fluffy was trying to lick pumpkin meat off of his rear with one head, looking around for more disturbances with another, and growling irritably with the last. Hagrid glowered at him from a safe distance. "That isn't how yeh treat a lady, Fluffy," he lectured his monster.  
  
Fluffy looked imperiously away, the other two heads joining the one on a chorus of growls.  
  
Hagrid sighed. "Yeh know, yeh ought to be nice to a girl. Mebbe yeh'll meet a nice girl dog someday an' have puppies. Yeh won't if yeh act like that 'round girls, though."  
  
Fluffy's leftmost head turned to Hagrid, every pained line of it saying clearly: _She started it_.  
  
...  
  
**Author's Note:** _Neither my longest chapter or my best, yet I have discovered an important thing about love stories— in every one, the lovers must stare into each others eyes (Loki rolls hers). I do invite suggestions and constructive criticism, by the way. Until next time, Cheers! — Loki Mischief-Maker_


End file.
